emptyspaces

gone

2005-09-10T17:12:00.000+08:00

the chapter closes,
without any conclusion.

so I'll just hang around
and find somethings to do
to take my mind off missing you...

i've drove myself insane
wishing i could touch your face
but the truth remains you're* gone.

goodbye.

2005-09-08T22:20:00.000+08:00

back from doing what i do best. escaping. yup.
reflecting, too.
realised the many changes that occur within the short period of time.
some of which for the best, some otherwise.

today,
shahidah left for chicago for her studies.
fyan left for the army.
i was glad i got to meet them up before they left.
some friends are just for ever.
i'm glad i have those friends in them.
and in many more. =)

-------

i don't understand the avoidance.
but i'm accepting it.
if God allows our paths to cross again, we will meet someday.
i've always wondered what you're* thinking.
wondered. but never knew.
your* actions spoke louder than words.
soon enough, you'll* be even further.
well... till we meet again.
takecare, dear friend.

"and between now and then, til i see you* again,
i'll be ______ you*,
love, me. "

2005-09-01T18:36:00.000+08:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

s p e e c h l e s s.

dreading ...

2005-09-01T01:55:00.000+08:00

i wanted a letter to go along with those.
but what do i say? where do i start?
are somethings better off unsaid?
or is it better to pour out everything?
i know if i don't say everything now i might not be able to in future.
but i really don't know how to put them into words.
maybe, i'll settle with burying things deep within.
unless.......
unless you* really wanna know.
bet not.

for later, i'll make do with what i have.

i need sleep badly... am only left with 3 hrs to sleep...
but i simply cant bring myself to.
the heart feels heavy.
dreading...... whatever's coming today.

there's too many things to do by today.
far too many.

badday.

2005-08-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

things are pinpointing back to me. whether it's u or u. i'm the baddie. MY FAULT. everything is. so be it. i don't care how the word is spread. or what exactly is being spread. i have my stand. i have my way of explaining things. hear me out if you wish. and if you don't, i've got nothing to lose. but then again, i don't wish to dig up what's in the past. it's just a waste of time. all's been said and done anyway. raking things up would only make things worse. so what's the point.

besides that sms, clinic weren't smooth today as well. it's the third goddamn time a GE (the quota i've yet to meet) patient can't make it for the appointment booked. the clinician probably thinks its on purpose so i could have free time uh. well i certainly hope she doesnt think that way. on a brighter note, i've got my first full marks today. that is nothing of cos comparing to others who get many full marks before. then again, marks doesnt really matter to me eventho i'm hoping for a B for the clinic module. it's just that a 10 looks so unreal in MY blackbook.

it's heart-warming to know that you* are there, still. and i hope you'll always be. i hope time and distance won't be excuses for this friendship to fade away. God knows when i'll see you again after thursday. honestly, i'm dreading that day if it means that it's the last time i could see you until.. until dunno when. point is, i'll miss you*. not that i haven't been feeling that way already. sigh.

dream.

2005-08-28T21:17:00.000+08:00

took a nap.
and i dreamt about you*.
it was a bad bad dream.
even my dream is hurting me.

where r u?

2005-08-28T12:05:00.000+08:00

talk about N A R C I S S I S M.

i so love to create my own template with my own face in it.
erm... sorry if it makes u sick or something. haha.. i didn't force you to read my blog, rite? =P

another sunday at home. i love spending sundays in the four walls of my room. hogging the comp playing around with photoshop. lazing on the bed listening to songs. thinking. yep. i won't go out unless i have to. besides, there are really work to do for next week. two journal presentations coming one week after the other. just 3 more weeks. and then there's the chalet i'm lookin forward to. =D

this vicious cycle i go thru is so unhealthy.
but i couldn't seem to find a way out of it either.
hmmm...
shrugs.

wonder where have you* been to...

she's nice!

2005-08-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

and so clinic with she-whom-we-get-intimidated-by went along fine! she's a nice woman really. eventhough tha marks she gives everyone isn't exactly what we're proud to have, at least she doesn't put us down. who cares about marks anyway. what we get to learn is what's impt. my clinic grade won't be outstanding.. but it's been a fun learning experience lah.. hmm.... so we've heard about the legislation of optometry in singapore soon. wow. like finally. when that happens... is a mere diploma enough for us? junqqiii.... UK? ok? =P

does avoiding means you're a coward? nah. not necessarily but it can't be ruled out either. if you avoid because you think it's best for you and the other party and your intention of avoiding is because you don't want to make things worse, then i think it's okay cos you somehow value what you have with the other party. but if you avoid having only yourself in mind, then you're a coward. heh. i don't deny that sometimes, i am that coward.

it's sad that a relationship between people can change for the worse when people themselves change. imagine having a friend you cherish. but because you, or that someone change, what you used to have will never be the same again. life huh? happens all around, no? when that happens you'd be wishing that you could turn back time. when everything's almost perfect. but too bad. wishing always doesn't work, unless you get lucky.

some people are meant to be yours for keeps forever.

how about others?

well they just come and go...

so how do you know if a friend is meant for you to keep for life or they are just one of those who comes and goes?

epitome of a jerk.

2005-08-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

today's a nice day. =) had our last practice for dispensing before the pract exam next week. didn't manage to do progressive lenses though. wahaaa.. i'm goin to miss having dispensing pract.. by far the least stressful and most fun pract lah.. with lecturer like vivian.. proceeded the day doing fyp.. well at least we tried to. it's hard to even start a baseline!

as usual wednesdays are officially bingeing days, thanks to the long hours break. snacked and talked at our usual spot before goin for the last lecture for the day. to town with julie. EAT again. she, shopped again. hee.. then. swensens with naddie, sam n lut. naddie's treat. thanks lots bestie. the four of us were so... slenge today lah. hearing and saying the wrong things and ended up in bursts of laughters. haven't had those for a long long time. thanks girls. =D

sam accompanied me to pasir ris and we talked.
sigh. some people are so amazing. for the wrong reasons. a leopard never change its spots huh? grow up please. you're an adult so act like one. you never did deserve those chances she has given to u. what right do you have to do or say all that? please have some respect for her, if you're still a tiniest bit, a human. you think ppl enjoy being hurt over and over again for years by you? God is fair, big guy. if you think you're great, He is greater. so don't be too full of yourself. what goes around comes around, ok?

oh.. and julie said my eyes looked sad even when i smiled. erm. okay.

wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wang qi ni...

2005-08-22T01:17:00.000+08:00

woooohoooo! im high again tonight. supposed to be working on my presentation for tuesday but ... ahhh.. a procastinator procastinates. so yah. =P it's 1/4 done anyway. after one more down there's 2 more to go. they sure love making us talk alot uh. how fast time goes by. it's already week 12 of school. 4 more weeks or so and then the long-awaited break will be here. and that will be the last semester break for us. after which, 15 more weeks of school and there goes school life. we'll be kept busy with clinic and FYP and what not. i am NOT looking forward to end of school ok?

oh yes. just now at work, i got an offer to work there after graduation. thanks but no thanks aye boss? i've been warned. lol.

-----------------

things are different now isn't it?
drifting further away...
i'm not talking too much anymore,
but my weakness still shows.
do you still understand like you've always had?
.
.
.
.
.
``xin li de yan lei
``mo hu le shi xian
``ni yi kuai kan bu jian...

onlyone.

2005-08-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

Here I go,
scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one...
I let go,
there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one...

-----

newphone.newline.SUCKS!!!

2005-08-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

for the FIRST time, i do not feel happy after signing up a new line having a new phone. in fact i feel pissed and sad and everythin else, BUT happy. why? because i had to let go my favourite phone of all time. for many reasons. the act of letting go is never easy huh? oh well. now i'm stuck with a phone which is not even half as good as my baby. SORRY I JUST CAN'T HELP BEING WHINY. THINGS ARE HAPPENING AT THE WRONG TIME. WRONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will msg you peeps my new number soon. meanwhile i'm still with the current one you have in your phonebook.

unless a miracle takes over.

2005-08-15T23:49:00.000+08:00

i attempted. not once. not twice. not thrice. i myself can't remember how many times. but i failed anyway. i can't possibly try again. i should just resign to the fact that it won't happen. unless a miracle takes over.

2005-08-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

i realised where i went wrong.
too late though.
too overwhelmed by emotions before this thus the messy outcome of everything.
now i understood it all.
understood where you were coming from all this while.
understood what you meant.
understood what you want.
my apologies for being... dumb.

goodbye to distorted emotions. =)

they direct me to walk away.

2005-08-13T01:50:00.000+08:00

~~i'm learning how to shut up, eventho there's 1001 things to say.~~

~~cos apparently the more i speak my mind, the worse things get.~~

~~the signs are seemingly clear,~~

~~they direct me to walk away.~~

~~you told me to keep it real.~~

~~and i did.~~

~~but not for long.~~

~~eventually you made me realise that they are real only for a brief moment.~~

~~far too brief i thought i was only dreaming......~~

~~thanks for everything nonetheless...~~

~~also, thanks for 3 weeks ago, that very sunday.~~

~~you've no idea what that sunday meant to me.~~

I just want you to know//
That I've been fighting to let you go//
Some days I make it through//
And then there's nights that never end//

~~I wish that I could believe//~~

~~That there's a day you'll come back to me//~~

~~But still I have to say//~~

~~I would do it all again...//~~

deep down i still wish

that one day, God permits.

mindlessrants.

2005-08-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

hmmm. half of my voice is back. hopefully it'll be much better tmr. it sucks not being able to talk. i could only stare at the phone when someone calls until it becomes a missed call and i have to sms the caller telling why. i wanted to shout out for my sis only to hear a whisper coming out of the mouth. sucky sucky...

back to school tmr after 2 days on MC. and it has to start with fyp meeting @ 8. finally after thus long it is starting. yeah this is only the beginning. i think everyone hates fyp. taking up unnecessary time and whatnot. ain't got any choice uh.

rejected ciba's assignment this weekend. can't possibly do promoting with a recovering voice sounding worse than a frog's. location's at parkway (again) .. after what happened that time i never want to work at parkway again.

arghhhhh! this just came across the mind. how could Dumbledore have died?!! first it was Sirius. now him. who's next? tsktsk. the series coming to an end soon i guess. sad. oh! SNAPE should die next!!!

mindless rantings again.
i better get my reports done.
goodnite everyone. =)

whatyouaretryingtodo,idonotunderstand.

dreams.

2005-08-10T11:55:00.000+08:00

the thought of moving on to working life in a couple of months is totally daunting. as bad as i am as a student, i still want to remain one longer. nothing beats school life. the people you're with thru the journey makes it all worthwhile. :) i'd wanna further my studies. but not in our field of study. we don't see the point in doin so. unless, we intend to work overseas. australia, us, uk... but not in singapore. here, we, with a diploma or a degree we'll still be doing the same thing. we're still called the same thing. our work scope is limited. people see us as sales people who sells contact lenses and spectacles. and that's sad if you ask me. maybe, just maybe, i can go further my studies in this line, and migrate there to work as well. THEN it'll be worthwhile to get a degree. it's empty talk for now. that'll be too big a step for me to take. there are 1001 things to consider before making that step. but that'll be an ideal plan to make, if i wish to be in this line for long. question is, do i want to? that requires some thinking through as well.

i realised, after living for 19 yrs now, i've achieved nothing to be proud of myself. not academically. not in other areas as well. in fact, i did many things i'm not proud of. and you wouldn't wanna know what. a failure aye? no i'm not going to leave it as that. i just need to reflect. and set new goals in life. will do it soon. i need someone to do that. i need mum and dad.

mum and dad. two most important people in my life. when i sit and think of all i've been and the things i've done so far i'm so ashamed of myself. these two people worked so hard to bring us to where we are now. and what have i achieved? nothing. not even good O level grades. even so, they said it's ok and that i've done my best. did i? no i didnt. could have done better. but i chose to give up. and when i came into poly i didn't work that hard as well. im just the average student. couldn't do much now, can i? except to do better in clinical practice, which i'll try to. maybe i should really work on the dream which i never took seriously before. any opportunity for that dream after attaining my diploma will be seized. not easy of cos. shall consult my 'counsellers' soon. heh.

thanks to Doc for the much needed MC. i'm worn out. :(
sorry yanah for the inconvenience of having to replace me for clinic tmr. so so sorry.

i needa sleep.

imissyouevenifyoudontcarethatido.

jian!

2005-08-05T20:35:00.000+08:00

"Prepare to agree to disagree, because the two of you are bound to butt heads right now. Neither shows any signs of backing down either; in fact, your opposing views (or desires or entire philosophies) just seem to inflame each other's stubbornness. One of you might even end up arguing fervently while quietly realizing that you don't actually believe what you're saying. Enjoy the fun of a great debate, but don't take it too personally. Then find a way to put the issue to rest (for the time being, at least)."

funny.
ok whatever.

anyways.

i think i had been too jian.
hmm...
wo fa xian yi qing mei you xi wang de la.
~~wo xian zai zhi dao yao zuo shenme le.~~
that's nothing but denial.

hmm....
clinic tmr.
working on sunday.
clinic on monday.
working on tuesday.
just as well.
and i heard there's a roadshow next week.
gotta set control experiment for final year project which was due last week supposedly.
my itchy hand rose when my lecturer asked for volunteers to carry out a little project on doing refraction after contact lens removal.
good luck to me in finding time.

impt ppl.

2005-08-03T22:25:00.001+08:00

i miss kakak, bestie + my girls, aan, ikin... i haven't had the time to meet up with them. i'm busy but that shouldn't be an excuse. there's more to it than just being busy. i'm sorry. i don't mean to neglect you all. give me time please.

on the other hand, thanks to my dearies in sch who saw me thru (& thru me) everyday. don't know what i'd do without u all. thanks for caring and sorry for being stubborn with consuming those*. stffy is right. those are nothing but an excuse.

i wish brother is close to me. i wish he'll talk to me more as a friend. i can't remember when was the last time we had a good talk. probably 2 years ago? i miss him. i wonder how he's taking the situation he's in now. i want to know. i wish i have the courage to just start a conversation with him. but it's so awkward. sigh. i must do somethin to strengthen our relationship. but he's hardly free for me to ask him out. time is again a factor here uh. shit. i realised i miss talking to dad too. miss the father-daughter bonding we had whenever he drive me to school or work. crap. im so deprived of these little but important things in life. heh. i can't always blame time, can i?

love these important people to bits and pieces.

and you*. you are important too, you know?

2005-08-02T21:25:00.000+08:00

yeah i'm stupid, dumb whatever.
there's less than 40 days and i'm just tryin to make the best of the time.
when the days are up i wont hv the chance to do anythin anymore.
or maybe....
time is already up.
just what the hell was i thinking?

MESSY!

2005-08-01T22:32:00.000+08:00

i sounded bloody pathetic in yesterday's entry. wth. yeah lah i was that fucked up yesterday. angry+upset+hurt all in one. for various reasons. luckily clinic was good today. good patients, good clinician, good marks. thank God. after which julie, junqi n i went to swensens to binge. thanks girls for the company. stickychewychocolate sure drowned my sorrows. for a while that is. bahhh. wonder if i'll get to keep my job? if i don't then just too bad. this entry is so messy i hate it. why can't i do things right these days. messy. messy. messy.

will u let me?

2005-07-28T21:25:00.000+08:00

ciba vision plant visit today.
interesting.
supposed to work after that but told them im.. 'busy'.
went shopping with the girls instead.
working tmr, sat n sun.
at least there's something to occupy my mind.........

yesterday was sweet.
it could have been better.
it could have been.
will i ever have a chance like that again?
will u let me?

im sorry.

2005-07-28T02:50:00.000+08:00

i woke up so suddenly ten minutes ago, with that same heavy feeling i had before i fell asleep.

then i remembered. you.

phonecheck: no msgs.

couldn't stop thinkin about it all over again.

sorry i said the wrong things again.

i hope u understand.

u've always understood how i felt, and i really appreciate that.

i hope i didnt spoil whatever that just got better btwn us.

i'm sorry.

i really am. =(

pixx!

2005-07-26T23:25:00.000+08:00

feeling low.

2005-07-26T00:14:00.000+08:00

so the bbq was great. ok maybe it could hv been better if not for the weather. it rained 3 times today. so most of the food were like mixed with rain water and all. but we did enjoy ourselves anyway. eating and talking rubbish and playing the waters and posing nonstop for the cams and cycling with my dearest mummy.. hehe~ i love my dopt peeps lah. :) shall upload the pics here once i receive them...

somehow the mood took a plunge down towards the end. had half the mind doing somethin i shouldn't. was that close. heh.. should hv just give it a go lah. dumb. once. big deal. bahhhhhhh. slap me someone.

still need to go for an interview with CV tmr. working but being monitored kinda thing. hope i'll be successful tmr. needa read up on their products. will be assessed on selling skills too. wth? i HATE promoting man.

down. down. down.

i need to sleep. good nite.

good sunday x)

2005-07-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

today was a great sunday, all in all. :)
for the first time, i woke up at 5plus am just to go to the market. lol. met lionel at 6plus and headed to his fav round market at tampines only to find it close and under renovation! grrr. had to go to another market. we got our prawns and sotongs and stingrays and mussels for our bbq. wakakkaa~ tmr's class bbq's gonna be a blast! but. i've yet to prepare all those foodstuff. =S
rushed home after marketing to get ready for work. thank God dad sent me. eh no, i sent myself and he drove back home. hah. i just love doin the eye screenings lah. more 'assignments' coming up! =) ended early today actually. but those pxs taking retinal photos took longer so had to wait for everyone to finish and then we called it a day. nice colleagues lah all of them. i feel so 'at home'. chilled out with 2 of them @ northpoint eating sundaes. haha..
after which.. i 'disturbed' someone at work. ya lah.. someone got special post mah that's why can anyhow skive during work. hee~
now you know why it's a great sunday? ;)

my saturday wasn't as good though. clinic was horribly performed. im still so blur with doing visual field and of cos, binocular vision. ended up not doin anythin for the BV kid cos he came in with a longstanding tropia. so my clinician said there was no need to proceed with BV followup. i was so unsatisfied cos of that. i'm sure if she was my supervisor things would be dealed differently. and she'll give me a -10 marks probably. went to work after clinic. another booboo. i mistook the tonometer for autorefractor. tell me, am i dumb or am i dumb? THAT'S PROBABLY THE DUMBEST MISTAKE AN OPTOM STUDENT COULD MAKE! and the BOSS caught that mistake. think it was a mistake joining OP on impulse. so much for wanting to experience. no doubt the colleagues are nice. even the boss is nice i must say. BUT. i just do not like the environment in taka. i feel so pressurized eventho noone pressured me. but how do i leave that place? i'll be putting my senior in a spot. haiizz.

my friday? hohox. had dinner with dearest parrot. like finally! haha. and bumped into shafa n sis who ate at the same place too. i sure enjoyed my evening. =)

it's been a long and tiring week. i'm lookin forward to chilling out with the crazy ppl of DOPT tmr. finally, a break. we sure deserve it after 8 weeks of stress.

i miss! my angel & my girls. so effing much. =(
and you* as well.

work work work.

2005-07-22T00:54:00.000+08:00

i'm surprised i'm still awake right now. i was so sleepy at work just now and had to have a dose of coffee to keep me awake. truth is i'm feelin uneasy at the moment cos i haven't done my reports. will do it soon after i'm done blogging.

and so first day @ OP wasn't bad at all. there was only me and senior in the shop. and it wasn't busy. so yah. 5 hours or so there was spent talkin to senior and entertained a customer or two. managed to do rxn and got 2 cx to purchase specs. hurhur. work environment at that outlet isn't stressful at all.. am posted at taka's outlet on weekends tho. more challenging. =S hope i can survive.

i am mad, you know? i applied for yet another job just now. suddenly wanna have a feel of the different areas in this line of work. next week is damn packed. if only there's 48 hrs a day. heh. i'm being too ambitious. nah. there's more to it than just being too ambitious. it's just a form of... escaping.

i'm so not looking forward to saturday. i foresee a bad day in clinic. another visual field. BV followup. (BV is such a taboo to me). contact lens review. supervisor? she-who-must-not-be-named. if u guessed Lord Voldermort's sister or somethin, you're close. hah. she better not spoil my mood that day. i still have to face another challenge having to work @ taka for the first time after clinic.

oh and speaking of Lord Voldermort, any of u reading this now has The Half-blooded Prince? anyone can lend it to me? i'm too broke to buy it. hrmph. nadzii? u have?!

jobs!

2005-07-19T20:15:00.000+08:00

"You two are so connected, it's uncanny -- in fact, some would say it's downright otherworldly. What can you say? Right now you guys are in one of those magical moments that make you think you are, in fact, kindred spirits: One of you starts a sentence, and the other one knows exactly what you're going to say; they call just when you're thinking of them; you show up to an event wearing similar outfits. Enjoy this feeling to its fullest. A connection like this goes beyond just being special -- it's extraordinary."

HAHA. yeah right.
i shall not say where i got that from. lol~

-----

today a senior confirmed that i got that job. i wonder if it's good or bad. me and my itchy butt asked for another job when i already have one. i THOUGHT the current job rarely needs me. but now they're starting to call me down for work every weekend. the new job also needs me on weekends. how? i cant possibly back out from the new job eventhough i havent started rite. it'll be so irresponsible of me. i guess i'll keep every sundays free for screenings. and thursdays and saturdays for OP. yes. settled.

i wish next week can be dragged.... a break doesnt seem like one anymore with so many things to do. thank God the bbq's on monday. play first. suffer later. =) there's journals and reports and projects to be done. i hate the fyp. ahhhh.. busy busy! i need to catch up with so many ppl. when will i ever have time for myself n them?

kakak: thanks for the reassurance. =)

rahhhhhh. me and my insecurities. heh.

one of those nites.

2005-07-16T23:40:00.000+08:00

it's one of those nights...
when nothing feels right...
unfortunately i had just too many.

you*: take care n have fun yup.
wish u'll have a safe flight.

worked @ another eye screening today.
i was given a chance to prove myself, that i could do more than what i usually do.
but i failed miserably.
i had zero confidence of doin the job of screenin for cataract when i was asked to.
using ophthalmoscope?
i don't even know if i'm lookin at the lens!
too used to the luxury of using slitlamp uh.
i even stumbled at VA taking.
whatever did they think of me already.
i rejected the offer to work tmr.
how dumb.

and when will i ever be good at driving?!!
i'm such a disgrace to dad!

i'm lookin forward to the 27th. oh, and 25th too of cos.

bAD mOod.

2005-07-13T16:21:00.000+08:00

my mood in school is getting from bad to worse.
today was extra bad.
don't look at me and ask why.
it's not even PMS.

i wanna slp.
hopefully it will do me some good.

happy. =)

2005-07-11T20:57:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my darling angel.
ilu always*

-----

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
i'm a happy girl today. :)

i thought i either had to leave early from the ceremony or to cancel appointment with yanah for lens fitting.
i thought.
but i didnt have to. :)
perfect timing everything. heee~
so glad i could be there to see you*.

thank you*.
cos you've made me happy these days.
somehow. :)

i'm too easily contented u think?
but that's the way i am lah.
some happiness is shortlived anyway.
why not be happy while the moment is there right?
yes, right.

and hedz.
thanks for accompanyin me okay?
see ya again soon dearie.

oh! and i had a great StiCkYcHEWY time with mummy @ swensens today!
both of us tired and stressed so we need time out.
icecream came to our rescue! =D

let me continue float in my bubble of contentment.
don't let it burst.

no nothing.

2005-07-10T16:37:00.000+08:00

spent the whole afternoon doing up this layout when i'm supposed to revise and do the marketing online quiz.
feel like a zombie today.
no appetite.
no mood.
no nothing.

you* made me smile abit tho.
i still want my milo bar.

next week: life sciences & dispensing tests.

i've yet to touch those stack of notes.

presentation phobia.

2005-07-08T20:07:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah it was over. this morning was my worst morning ever. i was a nervous-wreck. almost broke down... like seriously! i felt so sick in the stomach, keep having the feeling of wanting to puke. at 1pm i was still on my ppt slides! (yup i had to skip my morning class, which i miss out alot on the new lecture. damn!) yes lah i learnt my lesson tt i shouldn't procastinate. but the main reason i was flustered was the thought of presenting itself. don't laugh at me k, i have a weakness in doin presentation. yeah even to my own classmates i've known for almost 3 years. it's not about the audience. it's just stage-fright.. or whatever you call that kinda nervousness.

the sick feelin got worse when i reached school. i realised i missed out some important points in my presentation slides. it was only in the mrt that i noticed it. there was 15minutes before the class for me to photocopy some stuff, which i ended up NOT using. i was SO scared that i went up to my lecturer b4 class starts to request that i go 2nd eventho i was first for the day. thks to xiangyun who agreed to go first. even so i didn't manage to calm my nerves. luckily the 3rd presenter automatically got up to present after xiangyun so unknowingly i got to be the last. during Q&A session for the 2nd presenter, i rushed out of class with my notes to go toilet. thought i'd puke but didnt. heh. by then my nerves finally calmed down a lil. bahhhhhhhhhh.

it was a bad presentation really. i talked to the computer screen. just couldn't look up! and the questions shot at me.. i didnt handle them well. but i'm glad it was over. somehow at this moment i still feel the nausea. yeah lah. i'm that bad at presentations. it is such a big deal for me. sigh. how can i overcome it?

thanks girls for ur moral support. heehee~

clinic tmr!! dispensing duty!!! HOW exciting!

if God permits?

2005-07-08T04:46:00.000+08:00

time check: 4:46am.
10 hours to presentation.
current update on ppt slides: nothing.
what do you guys reckon will happen 10 hrs later?
(i have morning class @ 10am later btw)
stay tuned.
---

if God permits?
i hope He does.

tired.

2005-07-07T17:45:00.000+08:00

it was really nice seeing you* again.
after missing you* so much.
thanks for your time. =)
take care of your eyes.

i feel so so tired.

case presentation tmr. but my powerpoint slides are still empty. =(

big mistake

2005-07-04T11:11:00.000+08:00

i didn't know the effect of it could be so bad. after consuming it last night i woke up at 2 am from an intense stomach pain. it was almost like the horrible cramps i used to have. probably worse. now the pain's coming back. big mistake there.

reality slapped me hard. haha.. i just realised i have many tests this week. plus a presentation which i've yet to start preparing for. reason being i still have no case to present. after a whole year free from presentations, i'm feeling the jitters again. i bet the same thing will happen again. trembling and what not. arghhhhhh.

alright. off to school. clinic. thank God it's both RGP fitting today. goodluck to me.

you*: get well soon.

happy birthday shafa.

2005-06-30T23:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAFAAAA!!!!!!!
nice meeting you today dear.
hope your birthday was great.
loveya. :)

clinic was short today. just did scl fitting on naddie n razi. their eyes cooperated with me so everythin went smoothly. bad for me tho cos i still don't have any case for next week's presentation. just realised it's already the fifth week of school. 3 more weeks and we're done for the term. can't wait for the break. lookin forward to the class BBQ. wheee~

today's uncle richard's last day @ SPOC. and i didnt even get to bade my farewell to him before i left clinic just now. he's a really nice man with admirable positive attitude. may not know him that well but he sure touched my life in some lil way or another. it'll feel weird having a new TSO around. heh.

weekends shall be spent at home from now on. unless there's work or school. unfortunately, i'm down for clinic the next 3 saturdays.

and i simply hate how the 2 clinicians deal with students. i mean, yeah we make mistakes. stupid ones sometimes. but we're learning damnit. if other clinicians can talk to us and discuss our mistakes with us nicely, i don't see why they can't. effing pissed off lah. monday's the first time with one of them. heh. wish me luck.

don't feel like goin school tmr. crap.

bad day

2005-06-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

today's a bad day.
i just feel like crying. =(

eyescreening

2005-06-27T11:05:00.000+08:00

hohoho! some just can't stop poking their noses into others' lives ay? sometimes this type of people irritates the shit out of us, but we mustn't let them succeed in doing just that. nahhh. not worth the energy to be so angry. we'll see who's the fool at the end of the day. =)

hm.. last week's been tiring indeed. the eye screening yesterday was good. iGARD people are nice. i was stationed to do just auto rx and tonometry. most who came were old folks. i really must brush up my mandarin man. hate it when i can't respond to their queries. oh.. and i met a crescentian there who helped out with the community project as well. nice meeting you shiyan! seeya again @ the future events yup. yes... i'm lookin forward to the next screenings. :)

i have zero mood now and not in the right state of mind to be doin clinic later. it doesn't help that she is the clinician again. somehow i just have a phobia of those two clinicians. they're just out to terrorise me. hah. rite. what am i still doin online. off!

shagged.

2005-06-26T02:40:00.000+08:00

first saturday clinic for us was so busy. i had 3 GEs but none gave me a sense of accomplishment. time was tight. and i didn't complete most. my supervisor had to come in and do somethings for me. i even screwed up doing refraction for one patient. don't know why but my mind was just blank today. wasn't really aware of what i was doing. missed some bits of history taking as well. maybe it was the lack of sleep. but no excuse man. and i haven't got assessed at all.

met up with nanyang peeps for dinner today. so nice to see them again. missed them loads. missed working there.

arrhhhh.......... i have to be at bukit panjang tmr by 9am and i still can't slp. i hope i won't do anythin wrong during the visual screening tmr. i'll be very tired for sure. this week is a longgggggggg week..... weekend doesn't feel like it anymore.....

tired.

off.

i read those words that came from you,
i wonder if they were true.

clinic

2005-06-24T20:05:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFF!!!!!!!
love my minah to bits n pieces. ***HUGGSSS***
hope your day was great. :)

well well. yesterday was a long day for the mornin shift people. but it was fun! haha.. i was happy yesterday cos my patients were good. clinician was good too. except that i was probably blind to miss such a LARGE crusting on a patient's lid. immediately 4 marks was deducted. wahhaha~ a blind optom student. how ironic. we were done with our patients by 2.. had 3+hrs break after which we attended a talk conducted by J&J.
hoho and the dinner buffet served for us after that was superb! =p left school only at 7 plus yesterday and surprisingly i didn't feel tired. in fact i was so hyper yesterday. i wonder why.

i'm loving this profession more and more. no doubt clinic is tough, challenging and all... with certain lecturers sometimes demoralising us and some patients just get on our nerves.. but overall, it's a fun learning experience. we get to meet new people... diagnose a condition or two.. giving them proper correction.. there's more to it than just checking the eyesight. at the end of the day when everythin goes well, the sense of satisfaction is there. wahhahhaa i'm glad i'm in this line. :) and of cos, with classmates like the girls and the rest, it makes everyday worthwhile in school. :)

after just two weeks of clinic, i'm still not confident enough. before each clinic session starts i'll get all tensed up and always worryin if i miss anythin significant. like for tmr. 3 GEs awaiting. 1 kiddo to deal with. and the other 2's probably lao ren having presbyopia. or cataract. or (touchwood!) glaucoma. i have a phobia with visual field stuffs and opthalmoscopy. lalala~ nvm. shall work on those. soon. and soon enough FYP will keep me busy. i hope i still have the time to work. this sunday shall be the first day at work-cum-community-service. looking forward to it.. eventho it's at bukit panjang.

oh no. case presentations coming up. just my luck that my patients are all within normal range. no interesting cases to present. hmmm..........

EIC

2005-06-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

attended EIC class today and it made me think. one of the questions the lecturer brought up was, how far could someone push you until you decide that the person is no longer a friend? i somehow do not agree with what the question says. i mean. friendship isn't suppose to end, right? i just find the whole idea stupid. like, you're friends with someone, and just because of some mistakes or misunderstandings which you THINK is unforgivable, you decide to not be friends with that person anymore. that's ridiculous. some or should i say most people may agree with me that it's ridiculous. but sadly, things like this are happening around us. some people just find it hard to accept other people's flaws, as tho they're perfect human beings.

ok sorry i can't help but blog about rship/fship issues cos 1) this module i'm taking in school is all about relationships and emotions and at the end of each class it just keeps me thinking... and 2) shits like that are happening in front of my own eyes... AND to me as well...

hmmm. it just hit me today. i actually do not know why something happened. like, the real reason why. i realised i only assumed that it happened cos of what i think it was. the truth is yet to be told. and you* have the answer. but then again, maybe you* can't answer me. question is, do i wanna know the truth?

you. i have no idea if you want me to stick around or would you rather have me go? you wouldn't tell me and i don't wanna assume either.

another you. i'm sorry i've been neglecting you. i didnt do it on purpose. i told you the reason why and as you can see, i'm an escapist. i just wanna run away from possible happenings. i very much treasure our friendship still. i hope you understand the mess i'm in lately. i'll make it up to u soon.

yet another you. i really hope things are okay between us now. whatever that happened not too long ago sucks. i mean, we used to be that close. things may not be the same right now, but your friendship means alot to me ok? i know things are not good on your side, but i hope it'll be better. please take good care.

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you

yeah. i'm not perfect. i make mistakes. and i apologise for any mistakes i've done to any of you. please forgive me. i will try be a better person as well as a better friend, hopefully.

dilemma

2005-06-20T10:22:00.000+08:00

oh my. if you've already fallen madly in love, head over heels over someone, the worst thing that can happen is disapproval from your parents, or should i say, family.

when that happens, what do you do? you tried convincing that your significant other is blahblahblah... not like what ppl thought him/her to be... no matter what you say or what you do, the answer is still no. then how?!!

dilemma... dilemma... if you were to continue with the relationship... takde restu parents pun susah kan? on the other hand, takkan nak break up camtu je? tak fair to you and the other party kan?

sigh. poor bro.

planz

2005-06-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

i thought of some plans for after graduation.

Plan A
Of course, go straight into the working world.

Plan B
Take up the 3 years Masters Programme with Pennsylvania College of Optom... (perasannyeeeeeee......... kalau grades bagus takpe jugakkk........)

Plan C
To explore other areas of interest LIKE, graphic design and photography... I'm hoping to bring out the artsyfartsy side of me lah... hahas.

But of course, Plan A is the compulsory route to go thru FIRST, even if i decide to take Plan B or C. Money matters babeh. So what's the fuss about all this plans right? Eventually must WORK first no matter what the future plans will be. Cheh. I'm wasting my energy typing. And graduation's not until next march. Heyyy that's less than a year lahh...

blahhhh. so much for plans. i still havent' prepare myself for tmr's patients. an 8yrold kiddo! finally! wish me luck! =p

true friends.

2005-06-19T02:15:00.000+08:00

being conceited is definitely unhealthy. but you seem to be doing fine still. well we'll see how long more you can last. :) oh.. and please practise what you preach, girl. =)

looking back at some things i don't know whether to laugh or feel sad. some are amusingly sad. some are sadly amusing. ha ha. go figure.

sometimes it's best not to fight the situation. there are times we just have to sit back and watch, then learn. being more involved may just worsen things. sometimes i just can't be bothered. or i think it's best to back away.

i've come to terms with the fact that losses are inevitable. you can't keep just anyone and everyone you want. people come and go. when you have to let them go, you just have to, whether you like it or not. the sadness and everything else is for you to deal with on your own. and usually the presence of other people who stick by you thru it all helps greatly. from this you know who your true friends are. :)

was it somethin i did?

2005-06-15T00:13:00.000+08:00

i was already in bed almost dozing off when i remembered i havent do the assignment given by the clinician due to my poor performance on first day of clinic. yeah i performed below expectation indeed. airhead like me. never get things right once im nervous. my patient was an easy one compared to others who had cataract lah.. high myopia lah.. this lah that lah.. tsk.., but still i screwed it up all the same. i hope thursday will be a better day. must speed up and keep to the 1 hr time limit to do everything on my own. traumatizing experience it was. pretty draining.

went to school today only to miss EIC module. not in the mood for any emotional management crap.. cos i know i'll only get even more pissed off with my already high level of emotions goin thru my head this morning. went for EOM and tutorial later. after which i met the girls in town. session was too short tho.. need more time to catch up aye.. esp with u parrot. we'll leave our heart-to-heart talk to later ait when we have more time. and when i'm not broke. tsk. anyone got lobang for any job? i need one badly.... arghhhhhh! having practically no money sucks. doesn't help that i'm oweing bro 30 bux which is .. long due. not forgetting sis's too. =(

everything happened for a reason. we're only humans, all of us make mistakes. but we all learn from it. we ought to. that's why mistakes happen.

thank you* for the reassurance. i needed that. =)
have a safe journey to and back.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel...

another one.

2005-06-13T01:01:00.000+08:00

i can't help but blog again.
sometimes i wonder why i cannot stand a certain someone after all this years. i can't find any reason. i simply... cannot stand her. nope not that i hold any grudge. no way. i've always believed in forgiving and forgetting. and i did just that, some years ago. i don't hate her or anythin. it just irks me to see her face, that's all. so... tell me why why why? err.. sorry lah i'm not perfect. sometimes i'm just toooooooooo stubborn, i admit uh. shrugs*

after having lost friendship(s) lately, it makes me think alot. at this age, this shouldn't be happening at all. i mean yea people make mistakes. we ought to just resolve things maturely. and not find the easy way out of saying goodbye. no lah i'm not tryin to say that i'm right. noone's right or wrong, to each his or her own of thinking. but just be more rational please. everyone makes mistakes. nobody's perfect. so please.
the 10 or so years of friendship(s) means alot to me. i don't believe in letting them go. but then again, it takes two for a friendship to work out. i can't possibly do it alone. but if you choose to stick by your choice, then i guess i have no say anymore. so long you (all) are happy.

sam asked me this. between being what/who you are, and being what/who you want to be, which would you choose? good question. go figure.

nervous.

2005-06-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

it's nerve-wrecking thinkin of the start of clinic tmr. i don't know what to expect. so many questions in my head. what if i miss out a procedure? what if i miss out somethin in the patient's eye? what if i have no time to complete the GE. what if i forget how to perform some tests? most importantly, what if i cannot answer the clinician's questions about the patient? i have a memory worse than that of a goldfish. and most of the time when asked theory stuff, i'll go blank and just cannot say anythin.

i hope the 9 yr old kid tmr won't have any bino vision problem.

i hope i can draw out the optic nerve vessels properly and quickly.

i hope i won't blunder too much tmr, eventho it doesnt really matter to fail on the first day of clinic.

yikes. i'm so nervous i can't sleep. =S

*yawns*

---

went over to kakak's place for a while just now.
how i missed lepaking with her, talking to her.. missed how everythin used to be.
things are definitely fine now... but it isn't the same.
it was certainly a lesson learnt the hard way.
there's always time to catch up, right sis?
and there's the holz to look forward to next yearrr. hahhaa.
well other things may change but there's somethin which will always remain the same, and that is the fact that you'll always be the only kakak whom i love dearly for all times. :)

---
alrite back to my pathology notes.
grrr.

life is short.

2005-06-10T22:03:00.000+08:00

was in school just now when my mum msged me saying that bro's good friend passed away.
he got into an accident on his way up to genting highlands.
it's shocking.
when bro told us what exactly happened.........
i cant imagine seh.
the riders were goin as fast as 260km/h.
really beyond imagination.
when bro goes 160 with me i already cant take it. scary it is.
bro said there was a car changing lane or somethin and two bikes lost control...
the abang's bike practically flew over and into the .. gaung. and him too.
another guy passed away on the spot.
abang aswad got to hold on for a bit more.....
it was on the malaysian news.. bro was there when the media came to the scene..
saw him cried on tv.
sigh.
he's a funny guy. irritatingly funny.
he'll have that toothy grin whenever i bump into him in the carpark.
we even had a nickname for him. heh.
it's been a long time since i last saw him.
to think he's gone. just like that...
Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya.
AlFatehah.

life is so so short uh.
we'll never know when is our turn.

easily contented.

2005-06-09T23:39:00.000+08:00

being someone who's easily contented, that lil thing is enough to make me smile the night thru.
thank you*.
i'm happy tonight. =D

facade.. how long more?

2005-06-08T22:46:00.000+08:00

i really wonder what that someone thinks i think of doing to the sister.
wonder what people see me as now.
shrugs*
your perception of me may have changed.
but my conscience is definitely clear.
i cant please everyone.
hate me, for all you want.

i wish i'm still in crescent.
i want back my carefree innocent days.
where troubles are only superficially there.

how long more do i continue putting on this facade?

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me...

tried and failed.

2005-06-08T00:33:00.000+08:00

tried not to think.
attempt failed.
probably cos my eq level is higher than my iq.
which can be bad.
heh. talk about emotional intelligence.
interesting topic discussed during EIC today.

i'm tired.
seriously am.
what do i do now?

arghh.

2005-06-04T19:52:00.000+08:00

phew. first week of school is finally over. somehow time passes by so slowly this week. just the first, and already the pressure is building up. next week is still honeymoon week i guess. orientation this week was.. nobbad. revised on doin this and that. i still have lots to catch up on.

the real thing begins on the 3rd week. the whole of june's slot is fully booked by the public and some juniors. managed to book some slots for some friends n my parents. i hope i won't be careless with my first patient next monday. having the jitters already.

girls (attention shafa, nadzi, sam, nad, hedz, nissa, nana, izean etc...), i need a big favour.
need you to come down SP on either a monday (btwn 2pm-5pm) or a thursday (btwn 10am-1pm) for either a general eye examination, soft contact lens fitting or RGP fitting. tag or sms me if ur free on the given days n times please? thanks.

clinic, case presentations, journal presentations, final year project ........ just the thought of them freaks me out.

i tried to look on the bright side of things, but i realised, it's all dark around me.
things changed, which changed me. and everythin will never be the same again.
but still, life has to go on. and i'm moving on.
God knows what's best.

2005-06-02T22:01:00.000+08:00

where did i go wrong?
not happy with me, please tell me straight in the face.
whats up with all of you?
stop being difficult and TALK THINGS OUT WITH ME man.
i am not the type who doesnt admit mistakes if i've done them.
but now the thing is, JUST WHAT DID I DO WRONG from the start?
just one favour.
TELL ME.
damnit.

2005-06-01T22:09:00.000+08:00

thank you mummy, steff, junqi, weiqi, yanah, stffy, ginette, menghong, ahbang, edmund, shaikh n vincent for the gifts. love them lots, love you all more! thanks.

thks mummy for accompanyin me today.
accompany me to badan shop again another day kae?
sorry about today. =

happy birthday nanadarl. <3

first day of school

2005-05-31T18:45:00.000+08:00

so the first day of school was.... okay-lah. what else is there to say rite? i was pretty bochup the whole day. still cant register into my head the fact that year 3 started already, eventho the real thing is not til another week. pretty slack today. introductions were made to modules like effective interpersonal communications and essentials of marketing as well as clinic sh*t.

for the first time, i like the comm skills module. the lecturer's pretty interesting. and today we talked about relationships. there's one particular thing which we discussed. something about the change from being distant to close takes a long time... slow process... but the change from being close to distant takes almost no time at all. like some people who thinks they don't need a friend anymore, just easily say that they don't want to be close.. or better still, say goodbye to the friendship. wow. people nowadays. even friendships are losing their worth. oh well. what to do. maybe some people just have tooo many friends. good for them. =)

it seems not too long ago that we were in year 1. the toot days. how much we've changed! lol. seniors of the school finally. cant believe we'll be graduating in march next year which is less than a year. looking at the freshmen this year... hmm.. macam banyak 'likdat likdat' kinda people. hehe. ok sorry didnt mean to stereotype. haha.. wish i'm still in their shoes. school life is still the best. well.. might consider pursuing a degree... otherwise... i guess working life awaits me next year. before that, first things first.......... the hell of year 3 is about to begin. introductions already freak me out. heh..

day after day
time pass away
and i just can't get you off my mind.

back.

2005-05-29T23:43:00.000+08:00

im back with yet another new blog.
(sorry peeps, i keep requesting you to change links..)
i realised blogging world can be so fugly.
but.
i'm not goin to be one of those who makes it fugly.
so now i'm gonna blog as usual and leave the fugly shit behind yea? yea.

today didnt go as planned. sad, yes.
but nevertheless, had a long day.
went J8 with sis to give them the thankyou card and ended up helping them out abit cos it was reallly busy. roadshow and all. sales was really good i heard.
wanted to do a lil shopping but we're late for the family gathering at aunt's place.
wasn't happening lah the 'gathering'.
not much food today. B-O-R-I-N-G.
i never did like family gatherings anyway.
so after that was over, i dragged sis to town for abit of retail therapy eventho i know she hates following me shopping. haha.
if only i had more money. heh.
i really wanted to buy the levi's square cut jeans just now, but ended up buyin just 593.
contemplating on that squarepants. should i or should i not?
i realised there's just too many to buy with the pathetic pay which is still not in yet.
with my accumulated bill to pay, clinic wear and more clothes for school.
that dunks i wanted and now i need!
crap oh crap.
i need a job.
AMO has yet to call me up.
and i heard Nanyang's OM agreed to let me work part time. has yet to confirm with me tho.
if all tak menjadi then must go hunt for job lah.

thank God school's not compulsory tmr.
still can't decide tho, to go or not to go.
thinking of clinic just makes me SICK.